I never would have thought of myself as somebody who gets my identity through my job. I can't say career, because I haven't done anything long enough for it to be considered a career. Although I was a damn good sales & marketing assistant at ATS and I'm so sad that had to end. What was I ever thinking!?!?
However, as I am searching and searching for a job, and feeling more and more depressed that I have not gotten one, I think I am starting to realize that my identity does largely come from the job. Because when I had a job, I was supporting my family. Yes, I get unemployment, and support my family with that, but somehow it doesn't seem to count if it is not hard work.
This week, Amaria is off school, and I am spending a lot of time playing with her, her new presents, singing Christmas songs as we both love to do (and I finally found my FAVORITE Christmas song, Friendly Beasts, online) and all kinds of other stuff together - we are just being together. I know this has value. I want it to be a good time. Soon (hopefully) I will be working, and she will be back in school, and the opportunity to just spend time time time will have passed. So I'm trying to tell myself that I am doing something meaningful.
Still, I am feeling like such a loser, and I think it mostly has to do with not having a job. I am 34 years old. What have I accomplished in life? NOTHING! Sure, I have 3 kids, but so far, not doing such a great job raising them, am I? I have a son who hates us all, and who I am much happier with when he is not around me at all. I have a daughter who is a recluse, and does nothing but pick on and degrade everybody in the family, as she closes herself up in this house and never leaves. (Sometimes I don't mind this, because at least she is "safe" not out doing drugs and all that, but I don't think this is the way I wanted to keep her safe). I have a five-year-old daughter who has inherited or absorbed the anger of my son, and who lives in fear when he is here (it is mainly because of her that I am so glad when he just goes). I have done things, but there is no coherent line in my life. I knit, and that is my favorite thing, but it's not like that is a LIFE.
I could probably list accomplishments, even for the past year. But it doesn't seem to matter. Maybe this just all comes from the fact that I have no medical insurance and am totally out of Zoloft. Who knows?
I NEED A JOB! I felt so secure, so part of something, so purposeful when I worked for Ed at ATS. I say for Ed, because when he left is when it began to go downhill. I don't think I would have stayed even if the Clearwire thing hadn't come up. But now what am I going to do with myself? What what what what what?
Sometimes I think that everybody in my life would be better off if I just died. I mean, they'd have to shuffle the kids around, but at least Demetreus could live somewhere else, which he practically does and totally wants to anyway. Lisha would be able to have a parent (probably David & Emma) who she respects and who act like "real" parents (i.e. get her driver's license, etc.). And even though she wouldn't think so now, I'm sure Amaria would be better off. My parents would be WAY better off. They would have to quit worrying about whether I can support myself (which I generally can't) and it would be so much cheaper for them if we all (and our dog) weren't living here with them. Even though I give her as much money as possible, I know we cost them more money than that.
The thing is, I would never commit suicide. At least I'm in really bad health, so maybe I will just die in my sleep one night like Val did. Think about it - my eulogy would be so boring. "She came, she had a bunch of kids she couldn't support or raise right, she knitted, she died". And who would be at my funeral? Nobody but my relatives, and them only because we are related, not because I really make a difference in any of their lives. I know Amaria would be devastated. That is really the only reason I should be alive still. She loves me with all her heart, and I love her with all my heart. I love the other two with all my heart, but they only see the flaws in me. They don't see anything good in me, probably because there isn't much good to see. I can't keep a job, I can't keep health insurance for them (what kind of parent can't keep health insurance for their kid!?!?), I don't seem to have imbued them with any drive for success, or in Lisha's case, drive AT ALL. I am a complete and utter failure as a parent. Amaria just doesn't see it yet because she is little. Maybe I can get my act together and be a good parent for her. Maybe by the time she is old enough to know the difference, I will have and kept a job, and have health insurance for her so she gets to the doctor whenever she needs to go, and maybe I will even be able to afford her gymnastics classes, driver's lessons and license, and be able to drive her and her friends somewhere, and live in a decent enough house that she won't be ashamed to bring friends over.
I wonder if Zeke would miss me if I died? Nah, as long as somebody kept feeding him, he would be fine. Would my parents keep him if I died? I wish I would get some horrible cancer that would just kill me quickly. Then my family would have time to love me, even if they can't say that I did a lot in life, they would love me for a little while. And know that once I was gone, they could have some kind of real life. No, I think it would be better to just die in my sleep. I don't want a bunch of phony sympathy. I mean, I know people would be sad, but not for a REASON, just because they know me and are supposed to, not because I provide any benefit in their life. Name one person who I benefit in a REAL way...maybe Amaria, that's all. I can't even give her her own bed, though. I don't even have room for her. They don't make four bedroom apartments, and I have ruined my credit so bad I'll NEVER be able to get a house, which I could never afford anyway, so basically, I don't have room for all my kids. God, I suck!
Is this self pity? I'm not trying to feel self pity. I'm just trying to take a realistic look at my life. A true balance of positive/negative. All the positive stuff is pretty inconsequential. I knit stuff. I take care of my dog. I love my kids with my heart, if not with my actions. I can't provide them with regular stuff.
Oh, hang it. Please, please, please, God just let me die in my sleep one night. Maybe when Amaria isn't here, because that would kind of mess her up to wake up with a dead mom next to her. Just let it be over for us!